So where do we go in our relationship now?

As a couples therapist and a sex therapist, Esther Perel echoes my sentiment when my clients walk in with the bomb of betrayal that has detonated in their relationship.

“This maybe the end of the relationship as you knew it, are you ready to begin another one?”

The emotions and trauma send us scattering. We begin to unravel and even the most rational of us are left in a cloud of reaction and confusion. Making sense of this particular time needs delicacy and skilled handling.

As therapists we walk carefully between both partners, bridging and bringing some sense into this difficult time.

Like navigating unfound land mines, we can be thrown by so many different things.

One partner may be bewildered and angry; hurt beyond recognition; another partner defensive yet apologetic, confused themselves and scrabbling for reasons that confound them. Lost in feelings and thoughts that are sometimes only the surface of what really is going on.

Couples cope in so many different ways.The bomb goes off, the grief settles and we hope and cling on to the thread of normality that we can find. There are so many feelings about ourselves, about our partners that are awakened.It can be isolating, our fears running amok. It can make us feel bereft when there is no understanding of what made this happen. Feeling out of control leaves us feeling helpless and isolating

Couples appear in therapy at different stages. Some come to the room when there is the searing heat of the revelation; looking to release or ride the storm. Others may decide to come in months or years later when the scars can still be felt through symptoms of unhappiness or disconnection.

Symptoms of issues can appear in places we don’t expect , children in the family may mention or show cues to picking up on the not quite right atmosphere and letting the adults know something might still be amiss. Sometimes lingering resentments are displaced into other parts of the relationship . Triggers have a strange way of being activated, detonated by a fleeting memory or thought that knocks us sideways. ‘Is she really going where she says she is? Last year she told me that. ‘

‘Did he look at that waitress, does she remind him of her?’
Sex can become a battleground of unexpressed thoughts and feelings. Swinging between passion, urgency, even as cold war rumbles in the shadows.

We can begin to behave in ways that we are not accustomed to, watching out for signs on the horizon or putting up walls in hope that we won’t let ourselves get hurt again.
In this place the crucial connection between the couple becomes strained.
Relationships live on good will. Good will is built in the quiet, the small transactions that allow us to trust and know that person can be my person. An ally, a friend. It gets us through day to day interactions and help us negotiate daily trials and tribulations. It helps us foster kindness toward one another.

A psychological study conducted with a couple where one was connected to an MRI machine and given shocks of pain were shown to evidence that a connected and bonded couple can reduce the pain that in received in the brain.

An affair can leave us unable to recognise ourselves, our deepest fears can be awakened.
At times it rises up, it gets louder, the issues, the unheard voice becomes more present and urgent. Some of us feel defeated at the thought of how we can can navigate this unexpected terrain. It’s helpful to have a guide and a map and a compass.

At Neu we have chosen to create workshops and therapists who are highly skilled at delivering knowledgeable therapy. We specialise in working with clients who are facing this dilemma.

Neu – Insight to Evolve.